Saved

Oh my gawd. JUST when I thought I was going to have to end it all due to my sadness over P. Newman's passing, I stumbled upon *THIS*



There is hope people. If two tiny bears like this can find the strength to carry on making out in a forest glen, then surely I can dig deep, wipe away my tears and learn to love again.

Seriously though, I am combatting my grief by getting a new job. Cry no more, little Freeman! You have work to do!:



That's right: nanny to the children of a wealthy Manhattan Broadway producer and foil for the quips of his *extremely* bitchy and unfortunately coiffed butler. PLEASE peep this write-up on wikipedia:

'Proudly running the Sheffield household is the butler, Niles (Daniel Davis), who watches all events with a bemused eye and levels problems with his quick wit. Niles quickly recognizes Fran's gift for bringing warmth into the family and becomes fast friends with her'

Now we fucking KNOW, people:



Ummm, is anybpdy else the slightest bit grossed out by that autograph, maybe tis just my dirty mind? I don't think so.

WHY????

Why god, why?




I mean, I now the guy was 83, but stilllllllll! Dude even looked good on a chain gang!






Even playing an impotent former football star in a waking cast in 'Cat on a Hot Tin Roof' the man was a legend.

Mahhhhh, I am getting maudlin. Give me a gauzy robe, a glass of effing BLUSH wine, a box of BON BONS and those little high heel slippers with puffy bits on the toe. Ewwwwww, how cliche!

Let's stop this trainwreck before it gets any worse.

Colo(u)rs

Mornin'!

Big news, friends, my thoughts were racing last night as I tried to go to sleep. racing. Pourquoi? Ohhhh, just a little thing I like to call fucking GENIUS. Not the first time, I know, peeps, but I have hit upon a brilliant SCHEME to create a new color spectrum based on the shining stars in the heaven we like to call HOLLYWOOD!

Par exemple: 'Nick Nolte' is the colour of driftwood:



I know, RIGHT???? Methinks Nolte has NOT aged well, eh? Wait, I am so not even done.

'Jack Nicholson' is the colour of the inside of a cooked lobster shell. Geddit? Fucking AYYYY right you do, and you're loving it too. I know you are. I am getting fucking SWATCHES made as we speak. I am going to do the living room in Val Kilmer (a plummy rose colour the shade of a healing black eye). This is the shit that keeps me up at night, people.

Well, that and THIS:



Yessssssss, tis true. My dad loves a parade. Bwaaahhhhhhhahahaha. Totes kidding, pals. That's not my DAD. My dad has far more sense than that, y'allz. He is an upstanding citizen... and his fave colour is GREEN (a vibrant 'Benicio del Toro' green, at that!)



Opa!

Hey!

Hey kids! Dad's here! Gonna use my burly dad hands (ew) to build a fucking DOLLHOUSE!



Tiny teardrops of joy! I am weeping with effing glee peeping this EENSY gui-tar!



This is my new fave thing now. Look at these wee beauties:




Imagine a tiny Slash just rocking the fuck out of that baby. Ummm... speaking of which- Oh my GOD, people. My retinas have been SEARED:



It's a cold November Rain, people. I am a bit blown away by this discovery. I need time to mull.

Peace.

Goals

Serious stuff people. I have been realllllly busy lately, ya know: finally achieving my goal of becoming a morbidly obese cat with a face like a drunk Roseanne Barr in the fucking darkest days, held up as a cautionary tale for all to see:



Shit is serious, right?

PS:



Captain of my heart!

Okay, enough fucking CAT pics, peeps. I shall return (once my folks are out of town and I have my effing MIND back).

Peace.

Two Words

Bangkok. Dangerous.

Bangkok FUCKING Dangerous.

Where has this film *been* all my life:

Synopsis: 'A hitman who's in Bangkok to pull off a series of jobs falls for a local woman and bonds with his errand boy.'



For real. ANY movie that features a wild-eyed, dubiously coiffed Nicholas Cage has GOTS to be seen. BONUS points for him fucking PEEKING at me through some odd stones and basically seeing right into my SOUL! I know, right? Better yet:




Who doesn't want to see this? Hands up now. Keep them up while I reach into one of the many holsters I am SURE Nicholas Cage has on his person, grab the deadly weapon lurking there (you know it's lurking, fool. Don't even front) and blow your ass away. By claiming you don't want to see this movie you are denying the very fabric of your being. HE'S IN A LITTLE BOAT, PEOPLE. He's wearing a straw cowboy hat, and some rumpled-ass striped shirt, in a little boat, with his errand boy (ERRAND BOY, my friends. Errand boy.) who might later turn out to be the very man who is his undoing. Ssssssshhhh, don't ruin it for the rest of us.

WHO else but Nicholas Cage could perpetrate SUCH a wild ass, freakish sweaty nightmare of a film??? WHO???

One bloated name comes to mind:




Namaste.

morning

Tis September, friends. One of my fave months- horns of plenty (dirty!), the crispness, the smell of HARVEST, mown grass, fecund hedgerows, burning leaves, etc. However, this is also the time of year when I have to put on real shoes as opposed to the fancy free flip flops of summer time. My feet feel like a sweaty Andre the Giant squeezing himself into a bedazzled body stocking. Peeps, it's no fun for anybody, not for me, not for the man on the train who caught me taking off my shoes and grimacing like a dispeptic fishwife. Nasteeee.



Seriously, if you look up 'chafe' in the fucking dictionary, this is the shit winking at you from the page. I taste salt just looking at that guy.

Bing! I'm back people. Like a bad case of crabs, you may get rid of me, but I will linger in your memory FOREVER... and then when you are at your most vulernable, I shall strike again:

Ummmmm...



I just tried to find *the* perfect crab costume picture and stumbled upon this hot mess instead. It's liek she is a s and m pimp from the Renaissance and he ate Alice Cooper ca. "Wayne's World' and is feelign so fat he tried to minimise his waist with a belt he fucking stole from Santa Claus. HOW the funk did these people even dre show up to the Santa Rosa West Rotary Club Costume Party and Crab Feed 2007 (sidebar: WHAATTTTTTT!!!!???)????? And even fucking WORSE: these sadass bitches WON.

I know. I'm reaching for my quill and parchment right now to write an incensed letter to Whom It May Concern. Because guess the fuck what:



THESE crazy-ass freakz wuz ROBBED.