A New Year

Happy Motherfucking New Year, you miserable clambones!

While dragging my sorry ass carcass to work this morning it occurred to me that I have not made any Resolutions this year. I never do, so that is nothing unusual, but I am feeling feisty, so bust THIS. BUT being both keen on efficiency and AMAZINGLY lazy, I have decided to resolve to do things I have either a) already partially achieved b) achieved looong ago. Check that shit OFF the list, foolz.

Thus I beginz:

1) Learn to swim:
Ha! BOO YAH! That shit is SO crossed off... yet, like the bleakly existential son of Richard Dreyfuss in 'What About Bob?" my ass still cannot dive. It's not that I am scared, but as wee Charlie' Siggy' Korsmo so astutely pointed out in WAB: 'We're all gonna die someday why does it matter if I can't fucking dive.' (PS I added the 'fucking' because I am badassssss).

2) Watch the collected works of Charlie Korsmo... again. This is kind of a no fucking brainer man: Hook, Dick Tracy, Can't Hardly Wait, What About Bob? I mean, does the word GOLD mean anything to you???

3) Wear a string of link sausages like a feather boa. This is not really feasible, due mostly to the fact that the thought of raw sausage against my skin gives me the dry heaves, but I love the image. Maybe one of YOU can do it, take a photo and paste my loveable mug over it, thereby helping me cross something off my list... who will make the ultimate sacrifice?

4) Make sure to purchase new chocolate cereal ASAP. It is the only thing that makes it worth waking up in the morning.

Wish me luck!