The Future

As I walked to work this morning, just a few hundred yards away from my office, I (literally) stumbled across a 2 foot long shank of crazy old lady hair, LYING IN THE STREET. What kind of way is that to start the week? I swear it was old lady hair, it could not have been anything else. Is it just me or is that a REALLY BAD FUCKING OMEN?

It does not bode well... I mean, you all know how I feel about growing old, right? Yep, pretty FUCKING psyched, and yet... maybe it's not all a bed of roses?



Yipesters! And, lest you think the fucking carnival of crazy has left town, see below:



Imagine running your fingers through that shit. I need a stiff drink and bottle of Nair just thinking about it. But hey, it's not all bad, right? There is still time to live my ultimate dream:



Yes. Re-enacting the film Uncle Buck with myself in the starring role, as inimitable tubby funnyman John Candy.

And so the inevitable descent into madness begins. People, much in the way I KNOW that I will someday be played on film by Danny DeVito, I know that my life and John candy's are inextricably linked. How? Because I SAW HIM in the fucking Brattleboro Public Library THE WEEK AFTER HE DIED... and he fucking WINKED AT ME!!!

I know, I know. You think I'm cray-cray. Well guess what, peeps: it's so fucking real it is making your head spin and... in the IMMORTAL (like J. Candy himeslf, y'all) words of Jack Nicholson in 'A Few Good Men': You can't HANDLE the truth!!!

Besides, I already have my huge drill and huge stinker of a cee-gar all lined up. Now all I need is someone to fill Culkin's role.



Any takers? If you're interested just let me know. I am SURE that when he ehars about this whole development John Candy will come out of hiding and ask for his cut.



Peekaboo!