C'est Moi

People, I have realized that shit is slipping. I have lost focus somewhere along the way. Perhaps you have not noticed but I am probably the most self-absorbed person you know. Genius: even saying that is so self-absorbed I can't even get my tiny pea-head around it. But rilly, y'allz. It's my fault. I have let you all down. My fucked up world view has not been the focus lately and for that I am sorry.

SO in order to get the magic back, I am going to need some help from somewhere so that I can really get down to the bottom of what makes me tick... sounds fun, eh? Sounds like a job for the right person? Welp, sorry but I've filled that shit already. Please meet my new sidekick:

Polar Bear butler, natch. Need you even ask? And for you bawdy souls after my own heart, here's what goes on 'down below' as the old seadogs say:

Holy schnikeys! Thanks, The Internet, for showing off my Polar Bear butler's effing CAMEL TOE. What the fuck is up with that? And damn- GET THAT BEAR SOME PANTS!!!

But back to The Real Deal. Now that I've got my sidekick, I can finally do things I've been planning for ages.

1) Getting back to nature! Here I am relaxing in the jungle, all alone with my- HOLY SHIT!!!

Bwaaahhhhhhh! Just kidding. He's cool. Looking good, eh? I favor earth tones when out in the wild. They soothe me and the beast within (if you know whaddeyemean, eh? EH???)

2) Finally committing to serious facial hair.

I've been avoiding it for way too long people. That and finally learning to sail. They were both in the cards so I killed two birds with the proverbial one stone and became a child pirate. Avast.

Now that I'm back on track things are a lot clearer and I feel a giant weight has been lifted.

But that's probably just this massive fucking pumpkin I've been lugging around. I finally off-loaded that shit and now I feel like a new woman. These suckers bought it off me for a cool grand. AS IF: would never let this pumpkin go that cheap. Bitch was 5K- CASH.