Ach!

I was taking a walk in the park during my lunch today and saw a man with a Doberman Pinscher (or however you spell it) The dog ran away and he was calling its name: ‘Rolf! ROOOOOLLLFFFF’ are people seriously naming German dogs with German names now- is this Lady and the fucking TRAMP here people? If so, I am getting a schnauzer and naming It Goebbels just to fuck with people.

Seriously though, I am having feelings of deep inadequacy here at this new job. I mean, how can I even hope to measure up? My idea of smart casual is a barrel with shoulder straps and a pair of clown shoes. I only DREAM of being able to look so dapper.



Um, and speaking of dapper...




'Hello hello HELLLO! Come in my sweet bean and have a drink. What? Sweet PEA! Oh yes, well no matter. Let me fill your goblet with this rare elixirrrrr I have made... from my own orchards you know... yestthhhh, and then pressed between the thighs of my baldest eunuch yessssthhh, she is delicious, no? What? Hahhhahahahahahaha of course I didn't put anything 'extra' in it, whatever do you mean, my petal? Horse drugs? I know not of what you thspeak, thweet trinket... now, let us quaff carouses, eh? Bottomssssss up, my lovely! Make yourthelf comforrrrrtable and I shall thing you a thweet thonnngggg.'

Hoo hah! What can I say, people. It's been a dog day afternoon. I have alternated between bemoaning the ragged state of my wardrobe and contemplating darker issues:




For some reason this photo reminds me of something. One of my major turn-offs: people who AREN'T really fucking grossed out by the idea of incest. Seriously. Never invite these people to parties. And if you must invite them, don't let them near the savory dips. They be getting their HANDS up in there. It's fucking freaky, I don't get it, but it is just fact. Also never let them put records on, or you'll be listening to the 'Cruel Intentions' sound track on repeat all fucking night.

Which brings me to a few more of my major peeves:

1) Ryan Phillippeeeeeee



a) How the FUNK are you supposed to pronounce his name? b) can the man fucking READ? He sure don't look like he kan. c) I already know he speaks in a complete monotone- seen it on tv, tis true.


2) Squirrels



Especially these fucking show off squirrels. Big fucking deal you can peel a banana. OOOOoooooh we're all soooo impressed. Try holding down a fucking 9 to 5 job, coming home every night tired as a dog, then sitting down to write the great American novel... THEN step to me and MAYBE I'll give you some fucking 'spect. Excet I won't, because you are a nasty little rodent whose forefathers used to throw nuts at me as I waked down the driveway of my high school, years ago. Fuck all y'all.

3) Everyone who is cooler than me. This takes in a huuuuuge section of the population. Including these horses.