The Adventure of the Blue Carbuncle

Missed breakfast?



Nothing piques my appetite like the cold, dead doll's eyes of an empanada costume, that and their skinny legs. Usually the legs of the empanada are removed before eating, but I think leaving them on makes it a more visceral dining experience. Like leaving the head on the Christmas goose.

Which brings me, via ham-handed segue, to Sherlock Holmes (TOTALLY stole that 'ham-handed segue' bit from Hannibal Lecter in 'Silence of the Lambs' when he criticizes Clarisse for trying to get him to fill out some busted questionnaire. I get my best lines from fictional serial killers. Doesn't everyone? It puts the lotion in the basket.)



Putting up a picture of Hannibal Lecter is a really cheap shot, isn't it? Basically the entire script of Silence of The Lambs was written to be mocked... the only thing I can really get from it is a warning *NOT TO LISTEN TO TOM PETTY*.



As if I NEEDED to be warned?! If you will recall, Fasto McWhatsername who Buffalo Bill captures and sticks in his CHICKEN PIT is listening to 'American Girl' on her car radio as she pulls into The Parking Lot of Certain Doom and helps 'Jame Gumm" (how do I fucking remember that?) move his nasty sofa into The Van of Shit-tastic Peril... if ever any movie made me shy away from listening to the gaunt musical stylings of Tom Petty, it was that one.

Oh wait, there is always this. That's right. It always comes back to Tom Cruise fucking caterwaulling in Jerry Maguire. Why is that movie my nemesis?



The easy answer has a next door neighbor who has 3 rabbits... or WHATEVER THE FUCK.


Annnnywayz, I'm NOT going to let Lipnikci derail me AGAIN. Okay, those among you who are Sherlock Holmes enthusiasts such as myself will get the goose reference... Blue Carbuncle, anyone?



Nobody has captured the spirit of the great man like Jeremy Brett, whose clammy brow is so well suited to depicting heroin withdrawal as to make one slightly curious about his extracurricular activities.

Speaking of clammy brows:



Alec Baldwin is suffering from a mean combo of sweats: meat sweats and gin sweats. Put them together and I am sure some Scandinavian restaurant might be interested in the recipe, but Alec is just trying to make it through the day here, people. Just BACK THE FUCK OFF. And how better to calmly fly below the radar and nurse your hangover THAN DRESSING UP LIKE THE CAT IN THE HAT, doing about 5 lines of coke, and saying 'FUCK IT, I'm going to fucking Popeye's.'

It's career suicide, Alec.



Whoa, was that me? Did I do that, or is it just kind of like predictive text- when you type 'career suicide' it just pops up?

Anyway, I'm planning a cookout next week guys:



Any takers?