Spring!

It is here, people. Spring at last. I fucking LOVE spring. It reminds me of being a little tyke, skipping down the road, walking in the woods, stopping to smell a flower, helping my pops in the garden and of course... BEING EXTREMELY AWKWARD AND FUGLY.

Yes, my early years were not the most*ahem* aesthetically pleasing. I had a bowl cut you could eat cereal out of, glasses as thick as a lunch lady's ankles and a dress sense fit for a Victorian street urchin. Life in rural VT was not high fashion stuff. LUCKILY I have managed to burn most existing photos that do not show me in a flattering light, aka any photo taken of me after the age of 7. ALLLL down hill from there, friends.

However, some have survived and posted on the internet!!!! HOW did this ever happen? I knew that the whole fucking world was against me, and this is just proof effing positive:



Here I am with a close friend, FINALLY getting to grips with dressing myself after 'the accident'. Bwwwahahahaha, Just kidding! THAT'S NOT ME! But holy wallpaper pattern, Batman! Looks like these chicks were caught in a an explosion at a really grim muumuu depot. But seriously, I am sure that this one below was placed online by my enemies (I know you're out there...):





Yup, it's me at 12 after perfecting my cloning machine and finally getting that whole pesky 'medical ethics' thing over with. I mean WHO CARES if I just want to pull a Michael Keaton in 'Multiplicity' (saw it in the theater, people. Top fucking notch) and cut loose in a wild, dizzying folk dance with my least mentally agile clones. Fuck you, don't judge me. We look good together, no?


Hoooo, but maybe you are seeing a pattern here? Maybe you are cottoning on that NONE of these pictures are of me???? Did you REALLY think I would EVER let any pics of me looking less than fan-fiznunking-tastic be seen anywhere? hence my pushing copies of THIS baby on people in shopping malls and train stations. Yes, at last a photo that demands to be seen:



Yup. It's me, feigning sleep next to my fucking SOULMATE.

GOD it's like a power ballad. Wondering, 'Does he feel the same? Will his hand graze mine? If I 'accidentally' slip him the tongue will he kiss me back? How do these shades look? They look fucking rad, Sarah, that's how they look. Who do you think you're dealing with. Now ACT CASUAL.'

TEEEEEEEE! OMG. Just kidding GAIN, folks. I know, I know. Quel prankster. Okay. game face. Totallyseriousnofoolingaroudnanymoreeveragain.

I am going to just sit back and watch it all unfold now, watch you all spitting and fuming about my AMAZING HOAX.

I will watch from up here, where I can see it all laid out before me:



In other news, finally got a new passport photo taken for my UK visa. Whaddya think?



ZING!!