Dire Straits

Noo, silly! Not the steady rocking, noodling guitar solo band… good for nothing bastards! If memory serves, my first boyfriend in high school made me a ‘mix tape’ consisting of nothing BUT Dire Straits. What kind of a mix is that, fool? I should have known. He also made me a Valentine's Day card with a quote from a Beatles song (alas NOT from ‘Mean Mr. Mustard'), written in lipstick. How can it be that we are not still together? Let me tell you why: he had this sweatshirt- god, the vomit is rising in my throat just thinking about it- that said, in blood red letters across the front ‘SHARK ATTACK’ with a big picture of a great white, baring its formidable jaws and then, and here’s the kicker, three shredded holes, as if the shark on the front of the sweatshirt has TORN IT WITH HIS TEETH… and a spattering of 'blood' all around. And he used to wear it with (gulp) no shirt underneath.

Good god. Am I that shallow that I would break up with someone who wrote me poems (he did, one of them was about bread) and send me valentine’s day cards JUST because he wore the ugliest fucking sweatshirt in the world? Yes. Yes I am. And I have no regrets.

Sooo, where was I? Dire straits. I say that because last night I dreamt of Mario Batali.

‘WHO?’ the innocent among you say…



LOOK at him. Do you understand my WRATH?




Mario ‘Red Headed Italian Chef who wears orange Crocs in the dead of winter and calls himself Molto Mario’ Batali has cursed the shores of my homeland with his corpulent frame for too long, and now he has the gall to enter my dreams? Well, in retaliation I have started a ‘Mario Batali’s So Fat…’ Club.

This consists of me writing humorous lines about Batali’s morbidly obese personage, interspersed with ‘comments’ from an appreciative greek chorus. Let me demonstrate:

Mario Batali is so fat he flosses his teeth with links of sausage

(Hoooohhhhhh, SNAP!)

Mario Batali is so fat, the wheels on his car are made of cheese

(Sssss. No she didn’t!)

Mario Batali is so fat, they kicked him off the football team cause he ate the pigskin

(WHOA!)

So you see, this is how I get my revenge. Sweet, n’est-ce pas?
But it will never be enough. I can never rest.