I tried

I tried damned hard to find a photo of that Shark Attack sweatshirt I mentioned. It nearly killed me and THIS is the closest I could come:



Sorry, folks. Doesn't quite cut the mustard, does it? Well exccuuuuuse the fuck out of me! I have more important shit to be doing than searching for The World's Ugliest Sweatshirt... actually, I know a photo does exists. It is safe and sound at home in Vermont and will never be seen by anyone, because as it happens I am in it wearing an outfit that looks like it belonged to Andre the Giant in The Princess Bride. No, I have never been a snappy dresser. It is not in my GENES. Get it? OH, SNAP! So fucking SUE me, people. My mind is CLEARLY on higher things.

Seriously though, what are these aforementioned 'more important things' that I have to do? Why, what else but search for photos of tender moments between Ralph Macchio (what if he pronounced his first name 'Rafe', like Ralph Fiennes. It would be kind of awesome) and Pat Morita:





That's fucking beautiful, man. And, searching for little-known facts about these two, I see on imdb that 'during Pat Morita's funeral procession, his former co-star of The Karate Kid (1984), Ralph quoted, "Forever, my Sensei" towards the mourners.'

Ummm, I don't quite know what to do with this information. Part of me is biting my fist, in a vain attempt to stifle the UNCONTROLLABLE TEARS that are SO CLOSE to tumbling out of my fucking eyes, while the other, probably more 'me' part is trying to think how I can find some unseemly, twisted sexual side to this quote and perhaps turn it into a power ballad which will later be recorded by Meatloaf.

But I DID think that 'Forever, My Sensei' must be some song or epic poem... and it's NOT. Am I going to have to fucking bust this shit out myself? Whatever it has to happen.

Forever, My Sensei
by Me

Wax on,
wax off.
I fell, you caught me
twisting in the wind
like the gnarled roots
of your ancient
bonsai
tree

Wax on
wax
off.
Alone in the sea
California, here we come
leave New Jersey behind
New beginnings, new house
shitty old pool
but a new,
mysterious
neighbor.

I sand
I paint
you stand
you wait.
Always knowing what is next
wax on, wax off
Forever, my sensei.


Okay, that's it. I know, I know, it's shit, but guess what:
I DON'T GIVE A RAT'S ASS.

I'm gonna go make spanikopita, you fools don't DESERVE this much flavor.