Yes

I was walking by my local charity shop the other morn and saw this in the window:



Straight to video, yes. And yet... this eve when I was walking past on my way home *GONE* (now imagine me blowing on my fingers, making a 'fwha!' sound, like Kevin Spacey in The Usual Suspects, describing KEYSER SOZE!!!!) I would like to think that it spontaneously combusted, taking with it the cast off wardrobe of half a million of the sweatiest people ever...seriously, the dresses in the window up in that bitch have been USED. There's a whole wedding party on display in the window at the moment. The question on everybody's lips: WHAT WENT WRONG?

ANYHOOOOO, what misguided soul thought that Keanu Reeves's rise to fame warranted AN ENTIRE FILM???? Misguided? Yes, as misguided as my mother's REPEATED suggestions that the two of us take tap dancing classes together... the FACT that I live across the fucking Atlantic does not deter this woman. She is taking a sentimental journey, people... back to a time that NEVER fucking existed in the first place... back when I sported Shirley Temple curls and gripped a big fat lollipop in one chubby hand while singing songs to a poor junkyard dog who followed me home from school...do you SEE why she must be subdued? Love her to bits, natch... but methinks that shit is never going to happen. That said, I would be fucking ACE at tap dancing.



I ALREADY have the top hat. Bwahahahahahahaha!!!

Oh my god, by doing an image search for tap dancers I have - completely unintentionally- segued into the land of (duhnh dunh DUNH) Amateur Theatrics. It chills the blood, people.






I am weeping blood. They could be my closest, dearest friends, relatives... fuck, it could be GANDHI come back to life and I would NOT sit through that shit. I'll be the one not-so-discretely sneaking out during the INEVITABLE love scene between the really homely girl who works at the dry-cleaners and the man who you think you once saw naked when you were riding your bike past his house that time. Guess what: HE'S ALWAYS NAMED. He fucking hangs out in the nude allll the time... just so people will SEE.

HA! And YOU thought this post would be all about Keanu Reeves! PSYCHE!