Smooches!

Here I am kissing Dustin Hoffman!



Just kidding! Bwahhh! Ha! Hahahahaha! Whatta laff riot! LOL!

Anyway, a survey: what is your opinion of the kiss hello?

I generally am not a 'kiss hello' person, unless I know you VERY well.... basically I will not kiss hello unless we're just going to go ahead and HAVE SEX, because why start something you're not going to finish?

WAH wah wah! That's what happens when I drink at lunchtime, people: pearls of wisdom. Nahhh, I only said that because SEX SELLS.

Hence my URGENT NEED to run out and buy these penis-shaped cheese curls:



Hello there, little pilgrim! I know, right? Talk about a fucking miracle. A tiny little gift from the Cheese Curl Gods and their SICK ASS sense of humor. Imagine sticking your chubby hand deep, deep down into a bag of cheese curls and coming up with this little treasure! Then smacking your cheesy lips and licking your orange fingers. You sick BASTARD. What the fuck is WRONG with you?

Perhaps, as a child, cheese curls were forced upon you?



Maybe you starred in a for-kids, by-kids musical comedy about triumphing over adversity and STUFFING YOUR FAT FACE full of CRAP. (That said, I could totally HOUSE a hot dog right now... call me CRAZY... especially a tofu pup with mustard AND ketchup- the Murtaugh and Riggs of the condiment world, with a little relish thrown in, as Joe Pesci was thrown into the HORROR that was Lethal Weapon 3). I have done my time in the musical theater world and it is no fucking picnic... but the whole plays written BY CHILDREN is just going one step too far, and enough to turn anyone to a life of crime, or morbid obesity.

Anyway, back to kissing hello/goodbye and just plain getin' down to BIDNESS. The Kiss Goodbye is not so bad, because at least then the person is leaving and you can wipe your mouth or cheek (as is so often necessary with you Sloppy Joes out there) without mortally offending anyone. I always like to throw things off a bit by slipping a little tongue- talk about a fond farewell! Anyone else with me? Yes. THIS GUY:



We have a lot in common in many ways, don't you think? Not just casual tonguing in the alley/restroom... a little list springs to mind: a love of sarongs, hard liquor, long walks on the beach, 'casual encounters', club drugs, floppy hair, lacrosse, Old Spice, boat drinks, boat shoes, the films and life of Chris Farley... oh, you know, the usual things you talk about when you meet your SOUL MATE.

Speaking of soul mates, here I am smooching with Dennis Hopper. Some people say I look a bit like Laurence Fishburne. Bushwah, says I! Just because I'm a bit stocky and know how to handle myself... it was HELL when The Matrix came out.



I love the limelight, and it loves me!