You called my bluff

I have come crawling back... I never thought you would really leave. I feel helpless and empty without you. Not to mention pissed off, like Biff Tannen, covered in manure:



Okay, so he is not covered in manure in THIS picture, but he is covered in PSYCHIC manure... the smelly, clinging stench of rage. But DAMN, what a FINE old man he is!



Just kidding. I had you going there, didn't I? You really think I would fancy Old Biff Tannen? What the fuck kind of person do you think I am? You always believe the WORST! You probably think that I, like errant Monkee Mickey Dolenz, would pull some crazy combo:



Well, I have never been known for my fashion sense, but even I know that Mickey has gone one giant Monkee Step too far. That said, I fucking LOVED The Monkees when I was little. My friend and I would listen to them on a little boom box as we played four square in her driveway... ah youth!

Yes, I feel my days slipping away, like sand through an hour glass... or an egg-timer.



Sweet, spreadable margarine, Batman! Look at that! It is as if Diego Velazquez was painting ME! An old woman, frying eggs... convinced that each shell she cracked would be her last. It brings a salty tear to mine eye. It is as if- like Biff Tannen himself- I had, as an old man in 2015, stumbled into the DeLorean and made a trip back to 1955, sports almanac in hand to make a KILLING! But no, I hied it back to 1618 to pose for Velazqez while making my usual 5 EGG BREAKFAST. Lucky for me, my five egg combo provided just the fuel needed for the time machine to make it back to 2007, and I never even missed a fucking BEAT! Whew! Shake it off!

Which brings me to this- the MOST DISTURBING IMAGE of twinkly magic super fun boy Elijah Wood:



(BUT we know this is a falsehood as Elijah was not BORN he was MADE (in a woodland factory by elves wearing long gloves and false eyelashes)).

I know. This is the end, isn't it? The end of us? The last days of chez nous? You won't ever return my calls, will you?

Well who needs you? I've got a whole ARMY of Awesome.



Fuck you. Don't call me. Ever.