Val Kilmer

YIPES!

Before I start my daily shitstorm I would like to add something to the other day's post re: hobos. What if I invented a font that was based on the symbols hobos used during the Depression to indicate whether or not a particular house was hobo-friendly????? It would be fucking awsome. If you want to take this further give me a call, we can do this.

Okay, on to more bloated and swollen issues. I'm talking about Val Kilmer, natch. Okay, many years ago in a land that time has forgotten, my then boyfriend and I used to send each fish cookery haiuks. Example? Well, here's one I made earlier:

Come home to good smells
I guess this must be the plaice
Dinner is ready!

I know, fucking terrible. I apologise to anyone who knew me during those dark days. The worst part is, somewhere out there are fucking fish haiuks with my name on them, ready to pop up if I ever run for public office. I know: NIGHTMARE!

The real reason I bring this up is because ALSO floating around is a comic I drew years ago about a fictitious cross-country trip where I met and befriended a chimp named Baby James. Still with me? Good. This is where it gets tricky. In this comic I brought Baby James back to New York with me, where he satyed in my apartment, watching daytime tv and coming up with all kind of get rich quick schemes, as he could not earn money because he was A CHIMP! Wacky!



Sorry, just had to break the monotony there for a sec, and what better way than with a Ukrainian superstar? I know- sheer fucking genius. Now, on with my tale of woe:

One of Baby James's schemes was the 6 blade razor. Recently, during a preview before The Bourne Ultimatum, I saw a commercial for a 5 blade razor. People, we are one step away from a fucking comic chimp's invention!!! Morerover, I should get a piece of that action, as now 6 blades is fucking inevitable and I basically INVENTED it. But NO, my fucking ex-boyfriend will no doubt reap the rewards, as he has the comic and will turn into fucking PJ Pennypacker, Wealthy Industrialist. Now, I'm not BITTER per se, I just want my share. Therefore P.J. SHITTING Pennypacker is on my Shit List.

This brings me- in an admittedly roundabout way- to Val Kilmer, who has been on my Shit List for YEARS... and as you may have guessed by my ANGER, the list is getting so long, there may not be room for Val anymore. Can you even believe he might get fucking AMNESTY?

I find this even more unacceptable after having seen 'Deja Vu' the other night, in which the inimitable Mr. Kilmer played a very bloated role.



Okay, I don't even have the energy to start getting into the plot of this film, I am not that strong, people. I will focus on the fleshy wide face of Mr. Kilmer. Check that out. Notice anything... ODD? Fucking GLASSES CHAIN? What is he, my GRANDMOTHER? Upon seeing this pre-fucking-posterous film I have a new Halloween costume. It involves me doing some serious eating of cream cakes and lard shakes, getting a haircut and buying a glasses chain... easy as high calorie pie- or vodka- both are Val's faves. I can ALREADY do a kickass Val Kilmer impression. In fact, I am going to out that on my cv under 'Skills'. Because, when it comes right down to it, if you have to choose between me and someone who CAN'T do a fucking amazng Val Kilmer impression, we both know who's gonna get that job. When can I start?