You're gonna need a bigger boat

Yes, I am talking about JAWS. When am I not? Picture me in the photo above as Roy Scheider, huge glasses, leathery tan and a deep-seated fear of the sea.

As I was in the bath last night (I know. I don't usually take baths, because they lead to bathrobes and you KNOW how I feel about those. That said, this was quite a nice bath, and after my semi-meltdown in that last post, I needed the relaxation), anway, in said bath I 1) SWEAR I felt something nibble my toes and 2) heard the neighbor downstairs watching a film... as time went by it became clear that the in question film was JAWS. It got to the point where I was reciting lines along with the movie. Lame, I know, but I love JAWS. Love it.

But even I am above this shit. Give me something I can use, costume people! I need something a BIT more original.



Talk about taking the EASY way out. Any jackass can make themselves look like a diver being eaten by a shark, but only a true original can take The Method approach to Jaws-inspired Halloween costumes. Peep this:



Here I am as Robert Shaw, Roy Scheider and sweaty short-man thespian extraordinaire, yes, DREYFUSS! 3 in one, people. THAT'S fucking Halloween Magick. Imagine the TIME it took for me-Buffalo Bill style- to sew a costume out of the skins of these fine actors. Sedating them was a task in and of itself (though I didn't need much help in Shaw's case, he was basically pickled already).



Here I am as a Quint doll. That's right, bitchasses. I MINIATURIZED myself. Suck on that. It's not easy, either. It involves a whole lotta Rick Moranis and a dab of Jared Rushton. Jared WHO? Shut yo' mouth: it's RUSHTON, fool. You better recognize:



Yep, the friend from 'Big' and the sassy younger bro' from 'Honey, I Fucking Shrunk the FUCKING KIDS and They're Somewhere Out There In Our Yard NOT GETTING LUCKY.' How sad is it that this blurry photo is all that is left of his career. Two words, Rushton: DeVry University. Get back on track.

How LONG has it been since I have though about JARED RUSHTON??? Answer: not long enough. This kid and his fucking RED HAIR and bulbous nose, like a young, red-headed Bill Clinton... don't get me started. Next thing you know I'll be on about David Moscow... wait, who??? DO NOT tell me you don't know The Mosc'-ito. He only played the YOUNG HANKS in 'Big' and some scrappy lad in 'Newsies' (along side the young Christain bale. Seriously, this on'es for the rental list)! Wake UP, peeps!

Okay, I got a bit worked up there. Sorry. It always happens this time of year, with Halloween just around the corner I am going to have to seriously narrow down my options. Fuck it:



Tenuous as the connection may be, my costume will have to be Lou Diamond Phillips doing his very own impression of man-eater Carcharodon carcharias. So be it.