Oh!

Hiya there, kids! In these dark times one needs home comforts: pajamas, bowls of soup, slices of buttered toast and the company of some cuddly stuffed animals... just look at these little friends below. So sweet and soothing and - (cue sound of needle being pulled off record)



What the fuck? I mean, he's like a skunk in the pumpkin patch here, peeps... lurking with evil in his heart. Scares the bejesus out of me, but guess what, friends? He will not win, hell naw. Instead, I shall OWN my fear. Below are some other things that fucking FREAK ME OUT, and by naming them, I will exorcise them... like how when you break up with someone you shave your head and then track them down and tattoo a Hitler moustache on their face, right? yeah, just like that.


Okeeeee, here goes:



Effing FANTASY GAMERS and their costumes. They have far too many corsets and bodices, crushed velvet and leather items of clothing. It is sinister, I know it.





Bodystockings. They are horrifying. This looks like a fucking stage adaptation of 'Look Who's Talking' in the beginning when the sperm are cruising around to the dulcet tones of the Beach Boys... fucked up. Also, imagine the amount of static electricity those things must create up there, rubbing against each other. You could stick them to the wall like BALLOONS, man!






Fred Macmurray. I KNOW I know, he was in 'The Absent Minded Professor', 'The Shaggy Dog' (the effing ORIG, none of that bullshit with Tim Allen), 'Son of Flubber' and 'The Apartment', but- and it's a big one... he was also in 'Follow Me Boys' a film I saw when I was little that really fucked me up:



Synopsis:

'Lem Siddons (Fred Macmurray) is part of a traveling band who has a dream of becoming a lawyer. Deciding to settle down, he finds a job as a stockboy in the general store of a small town. Trying to fit in, he volunteers to become scoutmaster of the newly formed Troop 1. Becoming more and more involved with the scout troop, he finds his plans to become a lawyer being put on the back burner, until he realizes that his life has been fulfilled helping the youth of the small town.'

"But Sarah," you ask, "what the FUCK is wrong with such an innocent film?"

People: there is a scene in the movie when Fred Macmurray goes to get ice cream to bring home. He brings home the ice cream in A PAPER BAG. Not in a container, just SCOOPED INTO A FUCKING PAPER BAG. He then kind of... decants it from the bag into a bowl to be eaten by some unsuspecting FOOL, who-if he had any sense whatsoever- would never eat ice cream that came directly out of a paper fucking BAG!

Am I right or am I right? I'm right. Done.

God, thinking about it now has really upset me. It PROBABLY wasn't Fred Macmurray's FAULT or anything, but still, have some fucking principles, man.

Dudes, sorry. Things got away from me a bit. Let's get back to the programme:



Parrots. They have tongues. And when they hang out together they are plotting against you. They also can ape your voice so if you have them around when you are drunkenly slagging somebody off you KNOW they'll repeat that shit when said person is in the room. Fucking devious parrots.

I know this was supposed to be an empowering exercise, but to be honest, ever since thinking about that ice cream again, I feel more fucking frightened than ever.

I'm going to bed.





Layyyydahhhhhhhzzzzzz