The most wonderful time of the year

It's coming UP, peepolas!

Halloweeeeen! I know, right? It has crept up on me, like the slowly spreading waistline and jowls of Val Kilmer:



OMG I totes love this picture so much, because one spots what must have BEEN the chubby childhood of Kilmer! He was totally chubster kid with the too small bathing suit that would always fall off when he cannonballed (ew) into the pool.

Sunny days for some, but Kilmer's days were dark as molasses. Which is why he just taps that arrogant asshole vibe so well! I mean, I am basically saying that Jim 'Lizard King' Morrison was a tubby tyke as well, because anybody who is anybody who has seen The Doors (yes, yes I have. In the theatre. I wept blood.) KNOWS that Val fucking LIVED that shit. You prick his finger, he bleeds vertiginous organ solos, leather pants, peyote highs and a stunning disregard for indecent exposure laws.

Ummmmm, so where was I?

Right, Halloween. One of my fave holidays. And after the masterful diguises I have pulled off in the past... oh what the hell, let's have a look-see, shall we:

Yes, the mind-fuck that was Halloween 1998. I went as both the fugitive Dr. Richard Kimble AND as Lt. Philip Gerard... fucking hunting MYSELF peeps.





The shit really hit the fan when I swan dived off a dam, hit the water like a ton of bricks and then had to jump right the fuck up again to get the man hunt started. And it really wreaked havoc with my career as a prominent surgeon at a leading Chicago hospital. The perks were finally shaving my beard, eating loads of doughnuts, getting to walk in the Chicago St. Patrick's Day parade and getting to the whole 'I didn't kill my wife!' 'I don't care!' Oscar clip scene WITH MYSELF.. SCORE! Oh, and finally tracking down the one-armed man who killed my wife a big bonus as well. Ker-CHING!

But I digress (quel effing surprise, RIGHT?)... back to my illustrious past.

Halloween 1995:



Yes, you guessed right: one of the chinchillas farmed and then killed to make the fur coat worn by Sharon Stone in 'Casino'. Yes. THE SELF-SAME chinchilla whose fur so enhanced Stone's appearance that she was able to LURE the firebrand Joe Pesci into a dastardly deed. SPOLIER: Joe Pesci wrecks fucking shop, goes mental, puts some guy's head in a vise and just generally menaces the fuck out of everyone. Whatta guy.

But this year... well this year I am looking for something a bit simple. A bit minimalist... a bit classic. Like Columbo's glass eye.

I will keep you all posted on my final decision. Stay tuned, friends.