I missed you

Did you miss me? I know you did. It's been, like, A BAZILLION YEARS since my last post, right?

What have I been up to? Ohhh, ya know, the usual:

Frying shit up in my MASSIVE PAN, being told TO MY FACE by certain people (ahem) that my blog is absurd and makes no sense. ABSURD? Well, if THAT'S how you feel, I'll just get on the LOBSTER PHONE to my butler, hop on my sparkly doughnut, fly away and spend the rest of my life on an eagle's nest pruning mannequins.

Get it? Cause that shit is totes absurd. Except not, it's just another fucking Tuesday in my book, peeps.

But how effing BORING would it be if I did just write about Mi Vida Loca, eh? EH?

None of the good stuff:

Hideous trolls sculpted from butter (eating really nasty looking corn on the cob), par exemple.

Pics of me and my my best friend Mick 'Crocodile' Dundee on walkabout with our fucking hellaciously amazing giant bunny slippers...

I don't know about you, but I would miss that shit.

PS: I am accepting donations toward Mick's bail. He was thrown in the clink after fishing in a rather unorthodox way in the East River... bwaaahahahahahahaha. Just kidding! Me and Donk actually busted him out of jail by tunneling underground using a portable bidet. Messy, but effective.

Bidet, mate!