Feelin' pretty old today

So, I have a student volunteer working with me on some weekend workshops I have been doing: jewellery design and making creatures out of old sweaters. Fun and games. She is a really sweet girl and means well, but upon mentioning Pat Benatar last week- in connection with something or other- and seeing the BLANK LOOK on her face, it dawned on me: this girl was born in 1994.

NINETEEN-NINTEY-FUCKING-FOUR.

Lessseeeee, in 1994 I had already done the following foolish things (note: some of these things may or may not have actually happened to me):

1) Tried to convince my parents that it would be a good idea for me to breed guinea pigs in our backyard. I did this by writing up a list of 10 reasons I was responsible enough to handle such an undertaking, and posted those reason on post-its ON MY PAJAMAS as I slept, hoping they would come in and see the errors of their ways and succumb to my demands.

2) Wore my mom's bitchin' white suede dress to a house party, where some doofus spilled red wine on it! Luckily the nerdy Patrick Dempsey- who had admired me from afar for years- had been saving up for a telescope and had the $1000 to replace the outfit so my mom didn't FREAK. All I had to do was hang out with him, get him some cool shades and... OOPS I FELL IN LOVE WITH HIM!

3) Experimented with wearing old man tweed vests in earnest... I also had a tshirt with a picture of Mikhail Gorbachev on it. The horror.

4) Taken a job at a presitgious Memphis law firm, only to discover that it had a sinister dark side, masterminded by Wilford Brimley, aka Mr. What have They Done to My Oatmeal?

5) Eaten 5 plums in the space of an hour, after getting high for the first time and discovering how fucking good plums really are.

6) Accepted a jailhouse bet to eat 50 eggs, thereby allowing George Kennedy the opportunity to massage my egg-swollen belly to 'aid digestion.'

There is more, but it's not worth delving too deep.

In other news, I am growing a moustache: