Fourth!

Seeing as I spent this morning writhing in bed, experiencing awful nightmares about wild foxes biting me as I walked up Sauchiehall Street, I have not had too much time to think about the 4th of July. Zounds!

Anyway, the point is, I will not be observing te 4th of July as it should be observed: in the backyard, by a grill, prefereably with corn on the cob, sparklers, watermelon and a lot of beers.

BUT I am not completely remiss. I will do my bit as an American. I will wear my finest bloomers:




and I will make Daniel dress up too, and the two of us will dance to the popping booms of the non-existent fireworks above!






I will eat a whole sheet cake shaped like Uncle Sam's nasty ass top hat- or perhaps, if the mood is right, I will wear the cake as a hat myself- such hijinks will endear me to my co-workers and they will pronounce me their Queen- ironically enough, as it is the day of America's independence from those drooling, inbred royals!

And if I am too exhausted after the cake shenanigans, no worries: this guy is clearly going to celebrate enough for all of us. God fucking bless him, what a complete panty-waist. yes, PANTY-WAIST!!!!




And of course, Chuck Norris will be out there somewhere. I like to think of him standing on a hill somewhere, surveying the scene as the sun sets and nodding to himself- or perhaps as Farmer Hogget in 'Babe' murmuring 'That'll do, pig' as he strides off to his dojo.