Looming

I had a hard night last night: the episode of Dawson's Creek I was watching featured not ONLY a cameo by fucking Lipnicki, but also a shot of Pacey drinking milk straight from the GALLON BOTTLE. WTF? Are they TRYING to spur me towards suicide?

And then I opened my email to find this staring back:



Yes, it is my mother. HA!!!!!!!! Just kidding. This dire warning in the form of a photo was sent to me by Dizzy Dee Tamarkin, a so-called FRIEND. Are you all trying to push me over the edge here, people? As if Lipnicki and desperate dairy weren't enough! But it doesn't end here, hells no. This lady has a posse.



Anyway, I need to mix up a big ass jug of Haterade in which to drown my sorrows. As Jack 'The Joker' Nicholson says in 'Batman': COMMENCE AU FESTIVAL!



Can I just start by saying how much I LOATHE Grams on Dawson's Creek? Why? Oh maybe because she will begin telling you unbidden about how much she loves the smell of a wood fire; or how memories can last a lifetime... when it's CLEAR she is standing there, hands covered with fresh dirt from the fucking grave of the last old man she 'helped along' life's winding path. Grams is a fucking killer, y'all. You heard it here first. Look at those steely eyes. Come to think of it, she's a bit like my grandmother who once yelled at me for cutting a pearl onion incorrectly. Have I mentioned thast before? Maybe because IT HAS SCARRED ME FOR LIFE.




Speaking of wounds that will not heal, Charlie Sheen is a man who has had his share, and now clearly he has given up the ghost and turned himself in. Chuck, the whole coke and strippers scene won't be the same without you, but when your last memory of freedom is 'Two and a Half Men,' maybe three squares a day, working out in the yard and a flea-ridden cot don't sound so bad. Think of it as free rehab, Charlie. God speed.




Ummm, right. Talk about riding like the fucking DEVIL, man. I can't hate on this- who could? This is like fucking Ichabod Crane escaping the Headless Horseman, if only Ichabod were a minature lemur who had formed and unnatural attachment to a baby stuffed snow tiger.

Wait a minute. This is not a hate-fest at all! I really only geniuinely released the wrath on Grams, and that is basically a normal human reflex. Am I going soft in my old age? Am I going to turn over a new leaf?

No friends, no:



As long as a long-haired Goldblum crouches naked in a futuristic pod, my work here is not done.