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Aggggh! There are times when it feels like the streets of Glasgow are peopled by cave dwellers. Seriously, it's an ugly scene out there. Like Jason in his quest for the Golden Fleece, I too had to brave many perils on my way to Boots to get points added to my card. £10.40 to spend in the store, my friends. Methinks next time you see me I will be transformed by beauty aids:



Don't look at me.


Anyway, I SWEAR to god that Little Jonathan Lipnicki has (in this order) 1) bribed Doc Brown with plutonium 2) gotten a hold of the DeLorean and set that shit to take him back to 1996, his heyday in Jerry Maguire and 3) cloned that younger self, relocated to Glasgow to hang around outside the Marks and Spencer on Sauchiehall Street. There is a kid out there with a head of STAGGERING proportions that I think MUST be Lipnicki in some soft of acid-washed denim disguise. Here he is in happier times:



Sigh, 1996. What heady days (get it, HEADY? Huge headed Lipnicki?). Imagine making your screen debut alongside complete FREAKAZOID Tom Cruise and pinchy assface Zellwegger. It's no wonder he hit the pipe ASAP after wrapping. I myself would have been sucking on the tailpipe of the nearset Honda if I had to listen to 'You complete me' time and time again and see clips of T. Cruise shrieking along to Free Fallin'. However, I DO have a LOT of time for saying 'Show me the money,' which those of you who know me well, know really makes me lose my shit. SHOW ME THE MONEY!

If someone would only show me the money, I could log on to eBay and finally complete my collection of baby jug heads. They are surpisingly collectible. And rather reminiscent of the gigantic moosehead of The Lipnick.



I never realized how much I NEEDED a huge jug in the shape of the head of Martin Clunes, yet upon searching for 'baby jug head' there it was. Martin CLUNES? Yes, he was in the Inspector Morse I watched last night. Scathing stuff.


About as scathing as this social commentary below:



That's right, people, a truck from hell on doughnut wheels. Wake up, America! Obesity is driving you out of control! That said, doughnut wheels are gonna get you NOWHERE in the world of the monster truck rally. PORKSKIN wheels, yes. Doughnut wheels? Not so much.



Um, not sure how this slipped in... I am guessing probably through a HOLE IN THE TIME-SPACE CONTINUUM. Ferrets have got it alllll figured out. I have NEVER intentionally posted a photo of a ferret on this page.

Wait, I am totally lying. The point is, they are vermin.



This was just there, lounging like a bastard, smoking a fat doobie and BEGGING to be put on this page. This record cover is BASICALLY my college career in a nutshell. Except the rugs weren't that cool. And my beard was never so luxuriant. Bad water pressure in Ohio.